April 9, 2008

I’ve always felt myself to be a bit masochistic. Particularly in sex. Not to an extreme degree, just if one were to imagine a spectrum, and masochism is on the right and sadism is on the left, I’m a tad bit further to the right from the center. That’s at least what I always thought was true.

I’ve been having fantasies of dominating people lately. Men and women, but particularly men. Someone recently said in jest that they would bathe my feet like a cat, and the image has stayed with me. Standing over a man, with one foot on his neck and the other in front of his mouth, in complete control. Also I’ve been obsessively thinking about biting to the point of drawing blood, and slapping faces, maybe assess. I want to inflict a soft sort of pain on someone, then comfort them in the wake of it. I want to pull someone’s hair and say awful things to them. Then I want to spoon them to sleep and gently rub their belly. I don’t feel proud of these fantasies, but I have to admit their existence and from time to time I go so far as to entertain them for a while. I don’t think I know of anyone I want to have relations with who could satisfy these desires other than Brian, but I do not foresee having sex with Brian when he gets here. It would not be a good decision. Also, he has a lover waiting for him when he gets here.

I wonder if I will ever not be plagued with anxiety from day to day. I think it is possible. There was a time in my life when I was plagued with the compulsion to lie everyday, and that has now entirely passed. I can’t remember the last time I was moved to lie in a random and abstract way like I used to.

April 13, 2008

Last night I went to Trevor’s house for Darby’s birthday party. Previous to that, I had been at a reading with Dennis Smith. Dennis is very sweet and understanding of my fear of introducing myself to people at literary events, and is encouraging of me. I feel more comfortable with him at things of that nature than with anyone else.

On my way to Trevor’s house I passed an adorable boy on the street. I went in a store to buy beer. When I came out I passed him again. I realized it might be Brian’s friend Jakub, as I had seen photos of him on the internet and recognized his face vaguely. I did not have the courage to approach him at the time, but I texted Brian about it and he sent me Jakub’s phone number. While at the party I texted him “Did you just pass a girl in a yellow dress by the Morgan L stop?” and he texted back, “Yes, she was lovely.”

We texted off and on while I was at the party. Nicole came for a while. After a while Nicole left with a few guys who picked her up in a car. Trevor showed me his new camera and we chatted a bit about freelance life in New York. Soon I left to go to the party Jakub was Djing just a couple of blocks away. I got there and immediately hugged him. Then he needed to finish his set, so I sat in a corner and wrote in my notebook while some drunk guys annoyed me and I ignored them. He found me after his set and we talked all evening. At first about Brian, then music, then he asked me about what I do. It has been so long since I talked to a man about what I do with my life, especially after he has asked me to do so. His sister came, she was adorable. He looks very young but is 26 and smells very good. We lightly pressed against each other’s bodies all night. He kissed my hands, cheek and neck frequently. We agreed that the next day (today) he would come to my house to watch a movie. He was so adoring. He told me many times that he’s been trying to meet a girl like me. So full of flattery! At three in the morning he walked me to my train, then got on with me for one stop and held my hand the entire time. After that stop he got off and moved to the other side of the tracks to go home.

I talked to Jakub earlier today. He is coming over when he gets off from work at ten. I’ve had amorous feelings for him all day. I am looking forward to him being here. The variety of other lovers/conquests seems very uninteresting for the moment. I feel fixated. His hands were large and soft.

Tomorrow Ali and I are going to the Chelsea clinic to get tested. I had a panicked feeling today when I took a short walk to the store, when I imagined what course my life would take if they told me I had aids tomorrow.

April 14, 2008

Jakub spent the night last night. What was a fixation yesterday has turned into total enamorment today. Jakub is breathtaking. When I met him on the street he immediately hugged me with his hands around my waist and not up over my shoulders, which is a certain romantic weakness of mine. While I unlocked my apartment door he again slipped his hands around my waist from behind. As we entered the apartment, the girls were laying about in the living room, chatting and Jakub was very comfortable immediately. We had some wine and watched a movie.

His hand drifted over my thighs and hands and arms while we watched. At some point we started kissing. Jakub is an amazing kisser. I could have been satisfied just kissing him all evening. His lips are big and soft and he has large sharp teeth and holds my face while we kiss. We went back to watching, then after a while, again with the kissing and back to the movie and back to the kissing, etc. After the movie, Jakub, Nicole and I sat around the living room talking and drinking vodka with lemons for hours. It was this point that a crush became just a little bit more than a crush. He is well spoken and well adjusted. Jakub was born in Poland (he speaks Polish- I made him tell me I was pretty in said language) and kidnapped by his mother at a young age and brought to America. He only recently met his father. His grandfather had something to do with a sort of shift out of communism in Poland, specifically though, I forget what. His mother is a painter and his newest stepfather he describes as “the man of the year,” and it seems to me with the experiences he’s lived through, Jakub is not terribly easily impressed. I could be wrong about that. The more he told us about his life and ideas I could feel myself becoming amorous. Around three in the morning we all agreed to go to bed; Jakub came to my room and shut the door.

He was not too eager, or in a rush when he had me alone. We talked a little and slowly began to kiss. He looks boyish, but has all the confidence of a man who is 26 and has been in serious relationships. He took off my shirts and with one hand without looking, my bra. He had his mouth on my breasts immediately, and I was a bit surprised because I had not even once seen him staring at them. He took off my pants and began to frantically kiss my panties and thighs. He took off my underwear and kissed my pussy until I came. I had to push him away to make him stop. He seemed to like it. I had him then, on his back and I took of his shirt. He has a beautiful body. He is waifish, but like most waifish men, he is somehow bigger and much stronger than me. I took off his pants and put his dick in my mouth. First it was soft but became hard without much time or effort. He moaned and made fantastic noises. Jakub is uncut, which I like. I got him very worked up and put a condom on him. Then I turned around on all fours to offer him my ass. Rather than get up and fuck me from behind, he pulled me down, so I was sitting on him backwards, a position that does not work well with every man. However it was comfortable and I was very wet. I fucked him for a while and told him to slap my ass. When he did it was loud like a whip and made my eyes water. I was indescribably surprised that this adorable boy who pines for a fat fluffy bunny for a pet could be such a beast in bed. I told him to pull my hair and he did with equal force. It made me feel really wild and out of control. I stopped moving so as to get underneath him, but he held my hips in place and fucked me very hard before I wrenched away and lay on my back. Jakub fucks hard. And when I told him I liked to be fucked hard, he fucked me harder and faster. He is very expressive when he cums.

We cuddled as per his request for 20 minutes before he was hard again. I went down on him very passionately with the intention of making him cum in my mouth. He let me take it very far and said things like “you’re amazing, you’re beautiful, I can’t believe you,” etc. It seemed like he was close to cumming when he said, “come here,” and pulled me up quickly by the arms to his face to kiss him. Then he said he wanted to go down on me. I told him to go slow. It felt fucking great. He did not go long enough to make me cum but I felt satisfied at how well he does it and how he seems to like eating pussy. He stopped and pushed my legs up so my knees were touching my collarbones. He again fucked very hard and fast with a fierce little expression and he told me I was beautiful. I asked if he would like to cum on me and he hardly had answered me before he had the condom off and was jerking off while I touched myself. When he came it was thick and covered me completely. I cleaned myself off and we tried to sleep for a bit.

Around 6 am I noticed he was very hard again. I was very sleepy so I cannot accurately remember the details. What I do remember clearly was sitting on him and a blue-ish sunlight was spilling in through my thin white curtain. He looked at me and I felt beautiful riding on top of him. I became aware of how he was looking at my breasts moving and became a bit theatrical, throwing my head and body as far back as I could bend and fucking him very hard. When he came we were looking each other in the eyes and he looked like he had received a small electric shock.

Finally after that we slept for two hours before I was to meet my sister in the city for our STD tests. I don’t have aids, that’s fucking great. I find out about the rest in two weeks.

I am going to Jakub’s house tonight. I took maybe 20 free condoms from the clinic today. I intend to use as many as possible.

April 19, 2008

I’ve been with Jakub nearly everyday lately. I don’t feel overwhelmed though. I feel as though I have known him for very long and this is incredibly natural behavior to indulge in. I really enjoy how much he does indeed indulge in puppy love. He really likes vocalizing his adoration of me. I can scarcely give him a compliment without it coming back to me but stronger and more beautiful.

He likes to shower me with things as well. Things are always coming at me. Nothing elaborate or over the top, just sweet little gestures to remind me of his presence and adoration. A necklace, some music he thinks I will enjoy, dinner, drinks all night, compliments that are so fast and lovely that I have run out of ingenuine ways to respond to them and now just smile and turn red at the sound of.

The other night, while he was Djing with some friends, he voiced to me some worry that he was not enough for me. He seems to think he can’t satisfy me. He spoke of “no pressure,” that he would simply like to continue to have me in his life. I feel the same for him. I don’t want to rush it, although it is tempting. When he is not around I become filled with a quiet little buzzing terror that he does not exist at all and I have invented him.

I went to the BK library today with Nicole. I can see why Tao prefers to study in libraries. It was quiet and easy to focus. I think when I work at home a problem is that I am too comfortable and become lazy.

After the library, we went to her work in Park Slope to pick up her check. I’ve never been to the restaurant she works at but I have heard many stories about it. It is french-morocan and very lush. The back room is basically a casaba with pillows and gold things and beautiful wood trimming. Everyone who works there is beautiful and we drank sangria for free at the bar. After that she remembered that her friend Britney was having a party that afternoon. We walked to her apartment, which I have not been to since that night we took too much coke and I fucked a boy in one of the bedrooms. On the way there we found a beautiful birdhouse and felt a little amorous. We talked about the nature of our relationship. She said that we were like temporary life partners. It was a beautiful way to phrase it. We go on dates and have a romantic love for each other, but it is without sex. Not altogether without sex, as I desire her and I feel that she may very well desire me but we haven’t had the impulse to act on it yet. Nicole is a very supportive and loving girlfriend of sorts.

When we arrived at Britney’s place she was not there. Nicole misread the text message she had got from her and we arrive far too early for a huge party. There was a group of boys smoking weed and getting ready for the evening. Since we were there, they invited us up for a beer. The smell of the stale weed in the air and the general disarray and the type of boys we were with filled me with dread and I became very quiet. My mind kept drifting to the boys I spent time with in catholic school with who used to get me fucked up on all sorts of drugs and take advantage of me. My heart was racing while Nicole casually talked to them and they smoked a blunt. I felt a little exposed and ugly. I wanted to leave and eventually Nicole picked up on that and took me away from there.

I’ve been thinking of Jakub all day.

April 20, 2008

I haven’t been taking my medication. For the most part I think it is going well. There is edginess, but it passes and everything is okay. Just now I took a pill for the first time in well over a week, not because of the edginess, but because Nicole and I have a date tonight and it entails smoking weed after dinner and wine. Nicole dates are something I look forward to all day.

I feel sleepy.

Last night I was irritable. I had wanted to see Jakub earlier in the day and he wasn’t free until 11pm. I need to be more frank with him about my dislike for staying up all night. So, I had a couple of drinks with Nicole on the couch and bitched about feeling impatient. When I left I felt riddled with second thoughts about Jakub and an unanswerable irritation towards the idea of being in love. Coupled with those feelings I felt a very tiny despair growing and when the train came I felt like running off and finding a small dark damp place to sit and listen to music and be alone.

By the time I was at Jaukub’s door and I heard his voice I was completely washed of those strange feelings I had on my way over. When he opened the door I felt happy and calm. The evening was a quiet one. We just watched movies and giggled, ate ice cream, kissed a lot, fooled around and went to bed in each other’s arms. I’m not sure what I was a mess about on the train. It was the same vague abstractions I have used in the past to talk myself out of being happy with someone.

I really admire what Jakub is doing with his life. He never went to college. He simply works very hard and is confident and passionate about his pursuits. I can see why his ex girlfriend (so he tells me) criticized him for working too much, as he often answers calls at awkward times and likes to check his email frequently. It does not bother me. I have always been very good at entertaining myself. It helps that he makes it clear when he knows he is crossing the line a little by being very apologetic. It’s not necessary for him to be this way, but it is sweet that he is showing me that he is aware of how I must be feeling. He is very thoughtful. He is kind of a patron of music. He runs the company on mostly his own money and the little things here and there he gets out of moodgadget (his label), but it seems to me that he gives most of it back to the artists whenever possible. He says he doesn’t want credit and I very much believe him. Most people who say things of that nature are being dishonest, but Jakub is genuinely modest and enthusiastic. Watching him deal with different musicians and designers ect is a little sexy as well. I have never met a man who has his shit together.

I am on my period, which is a little unfortunate, because of how desperately I want to fuck Jakub. Regardless, we got a little kinky last night and today. Last night I sucked his dick and he was adorably receptive of everything I wanted to do to him. He seemed grateful, which is so very sweet. He asked if he could “cum all over me.” Of course I agreed. He got on top of me and masturbated while looking me in the eyes with this sort of drowsy romantic face. I asked him to cum on my face. He smiled a wide smile and hesitated. Later he told me he was unsure if it was some sort of test he was about to fail. I felt bad when he told me that, because it made me think he must have been with at least one if not more, very manipulative women. The kind who thinks playing head games is an important way to get honesty from someone. Jakub cums a lot. It shoots very far and hard as well. This is very sexy. There is nothing worse than when you want someone to cum on you and you get this runny little drip. It makes me feel really beautiful the way he explodes all over me. After he came on my face he was immediately very worried and concerned and apologetic. He says he doesn’t just want to push my boundaries. I tried to calmly and patiently explain to him that my boundaries are far and that I will be vocal about crossing them.

I can tell he is curious about my sexuality and I am his. He calls me a fantasy. I’m not sure what that means to him, since it is one of those abstract subjective terms, but I’m willing to accept it as a lovely compliment and not dwell on what it means. He seems endlessly curious about who is dominant. I see traces in him that suggest he could go either way. He told me about a woman he was with who wanted extreme abuse and he wasn’t comfortable with that. But he holds my neck at my throat in a very dominant way when we just cuddle, and the way he keeps bringing up experiences and movies that deal with women being submissive in an extreme way suggest to me he has a latent interest in it that he is not really ready to breach. On the other side of it, he makes a lot of jokes and references to being punched or slapped by me. He was very drunk a few nights back and said in what seemed like sincerity that he wanted me to slap him hard; that he has always wanted to be slapped by someone who he trusted. I see a curiosity in him. I feel that he has always been too careful with maybe high maintenance women that did not care enough for him to allow him to explore this side of himself in a safe forgiving environment.

April 23, 2008

Yesterday Nicole called me a little frantic. She had gone to the city for some things including her court summons and forgot her ticket. I found it in her room and read to her the time, which was only an hour away. I took a very fast shower and hopped a train to the city to deliver her ticket. Once there she bought me amazing noodles from a little stand by the Canal J train stop and we walked to the court house. I went to the park and ate my noodles and called my parents. I ended up talking to my mother for a long while. She was in bright spirits, which is always comforting. It was sunny and there were beautiful French forign exchange students everywhere and old men playing mah jong on the picnick tables. After lunch and some conversation I went to the court house to wait with Nicole while she waited for her summons hearing to start. I felt really special being there with her. Most everyone there was alone or with a significant other. She is so easy to make laugh, it’s a delight to keep her company while she does her business.

After the hearing we headed to the west village for a waxing appointment. Nicole had her underarms done and I got a brazillian. I’ve never gotten waxed without drinking wine first and was not prepared for how significantly more painful it is that way. Nicole was sweet. She sat at my feet and asked me questions about Jakub to keep my mind off the woman tearing the roots of my hair out. It was done quickly and we went to the White Horse to drink wine afterwords as a reward to ourselves. We sat for over an hour just admiring each other and cute babies and puppies that walked by. It was warm and sunny and we had a lovely spot outside on the sidewalk to drink wine and eat bar food. She looks so beautiful in the sun.

On our walk home we agreed the next time we get our bikini’s waxed together that we are going to take a long bath together first. I want to wash her back for her and rub her little feet with the pummace stone.

Later I had dinner with Jake. He talked about himself as usual. Jake always talks about what he calls radioactive people- that is to say, people who are good in very small doses but harmful with long term exposure. It makes me smile when he says that, because that is exactly what Jake is to me. I do really enjoy him but I eventually become exhausted of constantly talking about him and his intrests and become irratible when he frequently intterupts me to change the subject if I attempt to talk about myself, especially if it has to do with an accomplishment of mine. Regardless, dinner was nice and afterwards he walked me all the way from Bedford to Jakub’s house. I introduced them and motioned Jake away. Jakub and I kissed at the bottom of the stairs for a while before going up to his apartment.

We drank wine and just looked at each other at first. His face literally makes me dizzy. I get endorphins rushing to my brain when I even glance at him. Every shape and line on him makes me feel silly. We sat in the kitchen this way for some time before I asked if he had any board games. We played “Guess Who,” then started to watch The Royal Tannenbaums. Midway through the movie he suggested we “listen to it from his bed,” after I straddled him and rocked back and fourth, looking in his eyes. I said he needed to go first. I followed him to his bed.

April 24, 2008

I am incredibly tired. Last night I began drinking at 3am and managed to be completely smashed by 4am. I met up with Jakub to give him a book that Tao had signed for him. I didn’t sleep much. I felt awful all day. Jakub was kind enough to allow me to just lie around his apartment all day while he occasionally did work or watched youtube videos. Around 6pm he ordered us dinner. I began to get very nervous around then. I was filled with anxiety of not being good enough for him. I would be more articulate but I am having a hard time keeping my thoughts coherent tonight. I feel like I should go to bed shortly. I will say this- as soon as I got home and had some time to myself I felt better.

April 25, 2008

I just talked to Zac German on the phone. He seems lonely lately. It is sweet that he thinks to call me. I feel incredibly comfortable just sitting around with Zac and talking. It’s a fluid natural friendship. He is one of very few writers whom I feel comfortable taking myself seriously as a writer with. What I mean to say is, when we talk about writing I don’t find it necessary to be modest and timid. I will be seeing him in a bit.

Last night Nicole and I talked about nymphomania for a bit. We talked about how when your sexual apatite is dormant for a while the cravings subside as well. She told me that it is a trait of nymphomania to feel intense cravings for sex even more so when satisfied. It came up because since I’ve been seeing Jakub and been having very fulfilling sex I have been masturbating daily and feel entitled to his sex whenever I am around him. Yesterday while we were both sick I felt an ache even after I convinced him to have sex with me by forcibly putting his dick in my mouth and making him hard then riding him. A while after that I wanted to have sex again but he had a headache so he was not interested. I couldn’t fathom why he couldn’t just get over it and fuck the living shit out of me. Being denied sex made me squirm and ache uncontrollably until I left. I’m sure that had a large part to do with why I was feeling so anxious in the evening.

Mike Young is in town tonight. He is staying the weekend. The other night I was at Tao’s house with Zac and they convinced me that it would only be right to tell him I was seeing someone else so he could choose to not come. I am rarely responsible like this with people. They sat with me by the computer while I explained the situation to him over gchat. It was sweet and brotherly. They interpreted what he was saying to me and teased me a bit. However, he had a cool head about it and said he would still come, but will be sleeping on the couch. I felt really good about the whole thing. I really wanted to tell Jakub that I did this for him, but Zac and Tao told me it would just make him paranoid and it was best to let it lie. I want to be good and honest for Jakub.

Later that evening, after we watched a movie I went to the bar to give Jakub a book Tao insisted I give to him. Tao decided to sign and give Jakub “You Are A Little Bit Happier Than I Am.” It was a fucking sweet gesture from Tao. I think Tao was trying to tell me in this passive Tao way that he approves of Jakub and likes seeing me happy. The exchange made me very happy even though Tao threw the book at my head and the corner hit my eye and hurt a little. When I got to the bar he was Djing at, Jakub was very drunk. He was also very amorous. I don’t know how much he remembers telling me. He told me he has been with 48 women. He didn’t want to know how many men I had been with but I told him anyways. I told him the wrong number because I couldn’t remember on the spot. I wanted to tell him the accurate number the next day, which is two more than I told him- 22. But I thought better of it. He also told me he was interested in choking me a little. His roommate apparently calls him sergeant slaughter because of how I scream bloody murder when I get fucked. I told him to put his hand over my mouth again, mostly because it turns me on and he seemed intrigued. That’s when he brought up choking me. I could not get him to talk about these things the next day in sobriety and I’m not sure if it is because he does not remember or if he is self-conscience about his desires. I think it is most likely the latter.

Also in town this weekend is Chris Killen, a writer from England I am interested in meeting. Blake Buttler will also be here this Saturday, which he just texted to me tonight. I am very much looking forward to the whole weekend with the boys. Also, a little space from Jakub would probably be a good idea after my anxiety yesterday.

April 27, 2008

Mike left earlier today and I felt a wash of relief as I closed the front door behind him. His presence was making me irrationally irate. I do feel bad because last night after the reading we went to I was rude to him. I felt agitated from the terrible dissonance of the band that played awkwardly at the reading. I don’t feel like it will help or change anything to go on at length about my bad state last night.

Today I spent the entire day with Nicole in our apartment. We drank vodka and water all day. We did the things we usually do when we refuse to leave the house: talked about sex and social politics, cooked, she worked on her paper, I read my book etc. For a while I was on the phone and she sketched me as I was lying down on the futon. The illustration was really beautiful. She was ashamed of it, which was endearing because of how skillfully crafted the likeness was. I could spend everyday with Nicole and never grow tired of her, I’m sure of it.

Jakub is still on my mind. I fret a bit because since I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days I feel like he has forgotten about me.

Nicole and I just ate a pie plate of Jell-O shots. I feel more fucked up than I expected us to be. Oh shit.

April 28, 2008

I have been drinking all day. I don’t exactly feel drunk because I have at this point gotten accustomed to feeling drunk and it feels normal for today. Zac German came over this morning and asked me to cook for him. I did and since then we have watched movies and drank and eaten all day. He just recently left.

I feel really horrible. Jakub and I had plans today. Earlier I texted him to remind him of said plans and he texted me back that he cant because he forgot he has tickets to see the verve tonight. I’ve been battling all day trying to understand if it is rational that I am worried and upset or if I am investing too much thought into Jakub. I cant help but suddenly doubt that he was sincere about his overwhelming sweetness. I don’t want to feel that way, think that way. I would like to think that everything he said and felt last week was a genuine expression of someone who met someone they had interest in beyond a casual relationship, but I feel fogged and unsure. I keep over analyzing things like the fact that he did not call to break plans. I’m sure this is nothing. That it means nothing concerning Jakub. I think rather, that this nervousness is possibly a continuation of what I have always faced in the past with lovers I took seriously. That I am not happy in a relationship and find ways to fret and feel awful for no reason. I don’t know if I am mentally capable of being with someone now, if ever. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day for no other reason than I’ve just been blown off, which is especially absurd when one considers that I blew him off all weekend to hang out with a doting ex lover. I even traded phone numbers and emails with a good-looking young man at a party this weekend, regardless of Mike or Jakub’s feelings. Really, he is just living his life and I have some obscure sense of entitlement over his time because he has professed adoration of me. Writing all this makes me feel very silly and greedy.

Today, I suppose, is simply a day for self-loathing. I plan to be very drunk and in bed by 10pm tonight.

I feel like a child. Really, it feels much more clear now. Jakub has made me vulnerable in a way I have not felt in a while. The last time I went head first into someone’s sweetness it was Brandon’s, and he quickly revoked it for little to no reason that I could understand. I’m sure I just fear the same reaction from Jakub, which is entirely unfair to him. And also, I would really like to get laid soon.

I should not act as if I haven’t been the recipient of plenty of sweetness today, even if from varied sources. Most importantly, Zac stayed with me all day. He is not a particularly doting person and I feel as though any possible attraction to me is one of uncertainty; the kind of attraction that happens between close friends because of sexual imagination and not real attraction. He did a lot to keep me occupied today and I feel as though he was doing it to keep me from feeling too bad about Jakub. Every time things lulled- when a movie was over or after we ate, he had a new plan for what we were to do. After our first two movies he asked me to teach him how to make the potatoes and kale I’ve been cooking for him the last few times he has been here. I walked him though it step by step and he fed me. After that he took me to the thrift store not far from my apartment and we perused for a bit. I found a beautiful suit coat and matching skirt from the 50’s and put it on. I felt pretty. When I found Zac milling about the men’s shirts he smiled immediately before I could even ask if he liked it. He said something wry and rude but I could see in his face that he appreciated what he saw and he leant me the money to buy it. It is difficult to explain the happiness I felt for a moment when I saw him see me in my brilliant suit coat. It was certainly better than any compliment one could think of.

Also, another token of love today came from Brian. I was feeling very insecure after Jakub blew me off so I texted Brian looking for reassurance. He called me after a few texts and very patiently explained to me that he doesn’t think Jakub dislikes me, that rather he has himself run into how busy Jakub can be and that I really should not take it so personally. I had to let him go shortly but it was touching that he called to comfort me so readily.

Since I have the time right now I would like to recall something that happened with Jakub a few days ago that has been recurring in my mind since then. I was just lying on his bed, feeling stupid and nauseas from the night before. He came to lay with me, but brought with him a small green plastic box called a Buddha Machine. I’ve seen it on his shelf many times but never thought it was anything more than a nicely designed toy that he liked to look at. It is about three inches tall and two inches wide, and made of a uniformly olive green plastic. There are Japanese characters on the side and top and a round speaker in front that makes it look like a walkie talkie. Before he turned it on he described it to me. It is a little machine that plays nine different songs that are on a long perfect loop made to play “endlessly” or until the battery runs out. He then handed it to me and allowed me to listen to the nine different ambient sounds. He watched me as I slowly switched and absorbed that soft strange music he had given me to play with. One song was particularly soft so I put the Buddha Machine underneath the pillow. We placed our heads on top of the pillow and listened to the muffled softness together. He said “this is really nice,” and I agreed. We laid there for some time, just listening to the pillow make ghostly noises the way you listen to a seashell when you put it to your ear to hear the ocean. That moment has been living over and over again in my mind since it happened.

Tonight, just now, Nicole sat with me on the futon and showed me some of her old journals. She kept telling me how flattered she was that I was interested in them. It was astounding to me that she could be so modest. To me it feels like a natural education of someone’s self. Why would you possibly be disinterested in that? I do certainly adore her modesty. What is more baffling to me is why someone so wonderful would be interested in a romantic friendship with someone like me.

April 29, 2008

I’ve been desiring Jakub all day. I don’t know if he will call me tonight or not. Although I’m not exactly anxious, my insecurity has risen significantly recently. I have so many doubts about my worth in comparison to the people who spend time with me. Particularly Jakub. I can’t imagine why he doted on me. I have chosen to adopt the mentality I had when I was seeing Gary briefly last year. I am just going to assume each time I hear from him it will be the last time I hear from him and that any experience involving him after that is just a special delight. It is difficult to condition the mind to behave this way but beneficial to someone who is as romantic as I am. Jakub has an emotionally deadly combination of entertaining my attention with his sweetness, natural demeanor and sexuality all at once. I know myself well enough to know initially the longer he starves me of his attention, the more my pining will wax. I have been constantly fighting the urge to contact him with a barrage of compliments and affection. I don’t want to scare him off as I feel I may do with people from time to time. I’ve been masturbating constantly now that my sex drive has been fed and then starved for a few days. I feel sick to my stomach I want him so badly.

I just talked to Zac on the phone. He invited me to go see some music and experimental films with him tonight in the city. We are going to leave between 8:30 and 9. He asked me if Jakub had called me today and when I said no I could hear the sympathy in his voice. What’s worse than having feelings that he might not be interested in me any more is that it seems obvious to other people that I’m right in those suspicions.

Tonight I went with Zac to the city to meet his friends and see the experimental film he called me about earlier. We arrived in the city and went to Counter and had some drinks. His friends were kind but strange to me. There was a boy named Jesse he has been friends with almost ten years, and I found it very surprising that they were so close. He was very flamboyant and treated Zac like a helpless little brother/ ex lover. It made me appreciate Zac even more, which I thought not possible, to see that he had such a strange long-term friendship with this boy. I felt very pleased.

When we arrived at the screening I got a text from Tao that he and Chris Killen wanted to watch a movie with me. It sounded enticing because I haven’t seen Tao in a while and I have been excited to meet Chris. I told Zac that I was leaving them to go to Tao’s house and he slapped me a few times before he hugged me and I was on my way to Brooklyn.

Tao was playful with me all evening. I liked Chris very much as well. We watched a movie and then made videos on Chris’ camera until I was tired and left for home. I really enjoy flaunting my closeness with Tao in front of new people. I like our childishness and that he so blatantly indulges me in playing. It’s difficult to describe but I very much like when people watch us interact. Tao filmed me with Chris’ camera. It is sweet how much Tao takes pictures and films me.

I felt very adored tonight. Skipping from friend to friend today. My confidence came flooding back. Also, I had a few poems published today and received a doting email from Daniel Bailey about how much he liked one of the poems. It is 4am and I am in bed although I have no desire to go to sleep at this point.

Tonight I am definitely feeling more rational about Jakub. Not to say that I am thinking of him any less, but after some gentle prodding via text message he explained to me that he is busy entertaining some out of state co-worker whom is visiting and is very busy this week and that he missed me. Having the scenario spoken of made me feel calmer about my desperation to attain his attention. I also still feel good about what he is doing for his work. I have plans for the rest of the week and have absolutely no worries about nervousness at this point. I feel very comforted about the situation. All I needed was to hear it from him that I had not been forgotten and that Brian’s summation of the situation was indeed correct.

May 3, 2008

I talked to Jakub on the phone yesterday. He essentially broke up with me. I have not seen him in well over a week. He more or less told me by way of rambeling incoherently that he doesn’t have time for me. He seemed like he wanted to talk on the phone for longer but I felt a great pang of sadness and didn’t want to make small talk anymore. I said goodbye and hung up rather abrubtly. I was sitting with Zac on the steps to the KGB bar waiting for it to open for their reading. After that I felt horrible. But a good horrible. As sad as I am, feeling despair that I know will pass is better than feeling confused, anxious and hopeful for god knows how long. I cried quite a bit last night. There were a lot of people at the reading and it went well. I realized that that reading almost the same line up about one year ago is where I met both Tao and Zac. It felt very good to think about being a bit of an outsider then and this year to be sitting with them, making work with them and being comforted by them when I am sad. It put persepective how good moving to New York has been to me. Unfortunatly those relivations were all clouded over with another rejection.

Chris Killen. He is very sweet. I liked him very much. Last night we went for drinks at a dive bar called Cherry Tavern after everyone in the group disbanded. The previous night I had taken him and his two friends from England to Pete’s Candy Store and we drank and talked all night. At Cherry Tavern it was much the same except his friends were both tired and sick so we didn’t really stay that long. Chris and I got along very well. I like his absurd sense of humor and his curiosity. He is adorably modest as well. But not timid about talking very seriously about his book that is coming out in January or so. Being with him and his friends all evening took my mind off Jakub for some time. I laughed and smiled a lot, genuinely. Once, he even hugged me just because we both love Knut Hampson.

After they got in a cab to go back to the hostel, I began to walk to the train. Mid-walk I began weeping again. I feel like such an idiot. I’m ashamed I allowed myself to be so emotionally immersed in something so new and subsequently tenative. When I was on the train I texted Brian. It said “oh god. I cant stop crying.” He called me withing minutes. He can be so sweet. No one can comfort me like Brian. Not that he says anything particularly profound, but just hearing his voice reminds me of how he used to love and adore me and I can at least take refuge in what trace amounts of those emotions he has kept for me. I think part of my feelings for Jakub was he was serving as a sort of barrier between me and my endless romantic feelings for Brian. With a serious and kind lover it seemed as though I would not seek Brian’s love. Now I am back to being exposed to that when he comes here. Unrequited. Nothing can save me from Brian. And that is okay.

I woke up very late today and noticed that Jakub called me a little after 4am, just after I fell asleep. I think it is good that I didn’t answer. He was probably drunk and would have confused me further. I’ve been drinking wine in my pajamas, writing, listening to music and doting on Delores all day. Today is a blatent waste of a day and I am okay with that. I want to sulk heavily to get this out of my system.

I’ve been drinking all day. I am fucking drunk. Brynn bought pizza, I feel like if I hadnt of ate it I might be very sick right now. I abandoned my glass a while ago. It started to feel like an unessessary charade to pour the wine into a glass. I set my glass down and brought the bottle to the futon with me. I’ve been drunk texting Zac all day. He called me a few times while I was eating pizza. I just listened to his message which said “Hey why so blue boo? The world is not such a dark desolate place.” Right after I listened to his message he called me again and I answered. We chatted a bit. I felt mostly that he facilitated conversation by asking me questions. He said he would call me after his movie with Tao. He wants to come over. I warned him I may be drunk and passed out by then, which is seeming more and more likely.

May 5, 2008

I drank for two days solid this weekend. I feel pretty horrible today. But I managed to write a poem I like very much this morning. My bones feel hollow and I have a nasty cut on my foot that wont stop gushing blood. It is really absurd looking. If I get up and walk around for just a short while it looks like someone was murdered in my apartment. I’ve been trying to keep it elevated.

Tonight Jeffrey Heart is in town and coming over to make spaghetti with me. This sounds nice because I have no desire to drink tonight and it will be a welcomed thing to get my brains fucked out. I want to be held and fucked but don’t want to put the effort into anything right now so Jeffrey is a perfect answer. I like that he calls me honey sometimes.

I texted Jakub too much this weekend while drunk. I feel embarrassed of my behavior. I decided to delete his number from my phone so I’m not tempted to be an idiot for his attention.

Zac German was a sweetheart to me this weekend. He called and texted me often to check in on me. He is such and endearing person. Incredibly tender but not a martyr for it the way some people are when they offer a lot of kindness to the people around them.

My thoughts are not very beautiful or even coherent today. I really wish I hadn’t of over done the drinking this weekend. I suppose this will help me tone down the nightly drinking for a while though.

May 6, 2008

Jeffrey was over last night. He is a little delight in short doses. We made dinner, watched a movie, drank beer and talked to Nicole while she sewed her hammock, then retired to my room and fucked. We talked about sex quite a bit in the latter half of the evening. He claimed he decided he didn’t like it. He told me about a girl at Pratt whom he slept with the previous day and how she hurt his dick when she gave him a hand job and then was offended that he would rather mutually masturbate than fuck her. I just tried to comfort him and told him that there will be more lackluster sexual experiences in his life than fantastic ones and that really it is all about being vocal and honest with a partner. I was worried he was bringing this up initially to passive aggressively tell me not to have sex with him. Thankfully that was not the case, or if it was it didn’t matter much. He became very affectionate and snuggly the later the evening got. He kept taking little sips of my 40oz, because I think he was trying to impress me a bit. At one point he was laying his head on my breasts and said to me, “Kendra, you would make a good mommy.” It made me smile. It very much summed up my relationship to him. One of much facilitation and tolerance. I feel the need to be patient and kind with him even when he says annoying or offensive things, because it seems to me that he is emotionally innocent. He is curious to explore things in the same way a five-year-old child is.

When we were in bed it did not take him long to start getting playful and curious. We got under the covers and talked for a bit before he got on top of me. He held my entire head and I began kissing his neck to relax him. He moved his face and be began kissing and touching. He loves to kiss and touch. We kissed and touched and squirmed around together for longer than I am used to, but he clearly established his comfort level with me earlier and it felt nice anyways. I took care to kiss and pinch body parts and to always ask him if it felt good. I suddenly became curious if I could please him better than the girls he has previously been with, mostly because I was sure I could. I think when he was complaining to me about sex he was actually asking for help. I was extra careful when I touched his dick, asking how it felt with every different caress and gesture. He likes to be over me. He would not get off of me. Jeffrey was clearly asserting his control over the situation with his physical presence. He would kiss my face and hold my whole body close and grind very hard against me. I told him to take off his underwear and asked him if he liked my bra on or off. He liked it on. I asked him if I should touch myself and he said yes. He was physically in control but he wanted me to take the lead with suggestion. I licked and played with his cock but very quickly he wanted to cradle my head and fuck my throat. It felt really wonderful especially since I was touching myself and he was demanding that I make myself cum. He asked if he could cum in my mouth and I told him I wanted him to. He bent over me like an animal and fucked my face very hard and told me to move my tongue around. I told him to hold my neck while he masturbated in my face. He did and I realized how much I like to be slightly choked during sex. He got distracted and choked me very hard for a moment and I liked the dizziness it gave me. For a moment everything seemed fake and beautiful and I felt euphoric. He fucked my face again until he came in my mouth and I swallowed. After I turned off the lights and we quickly fell asleep facing each other but not touching because we were both hot and sweaty.

In the morning I awoke with his hard on pressed into my back. So I shoved my ass up into it and could feel it flex and get harder. We laid spooning and grinding together until I took my panties off and turned over and kissed his chest, belly, thighs and then his dick. He very quickly grabbed my head and held it stationary while he fucked my face. I moved off of him and he took off his underwear again. I lay on my back and faced away. At this point I couldn’t help myself, I just felt so desperate, I begged him to fuck me and handed him a condom. He put it on and grabbed my hips but pressed down on the small of my back so I was belly down, legs spread wide and he came up behind me. It felt so wonderful. He just kept fucking and fucking. I only wish he had fucked a little harder so it had that lovely tinge of pain that I like from time to time. But he did very well. I said if he wanted he could stop and finish by jerking off on me. He said, “no . . . more,” and fucked faster and more fiercely until he came.

We got dressed and left shortly. I took some photos of him while he lay on the couch. He has a beautiful face. And a fucking lovely body. Its thin and gaunt but very large and strong with a square build. I don’t exactly feel even remotely better about Jakub, but I feel beautiful today. He told me I was soft so many times and caressed my body like it was the most foreign thing he had ever seen.