April 28, 2008

I have been drinking all day. I don’t exactly feel drunk because I have at this point gotten accustomed to feeling drunk and it feels normal for today. Zac German came over this morning and asked me to cook for him. I did and since then we have watched movies and drank and eaten all day. He just recently left.

I feel really horrible. Jakub and I had plans today. Earlier I texted him to remind him of said plans and he texted me back that he cant because he forgot he has tickets to see the verve tonight. I’ve been battling all day trying to understand if it is rational that I am worried and upset or if I am investing too much thought into Jakub. I cant help but suddenly doubt that he was sincere about his overwhelming sweetness. I don’t want to feel that way, think that way. I would like to think that everything he said and felt last week was a genuine expression of someone who met someone they had interest in beyond a casual relationship, but I feel fogged and unsure. I keep over analyzing things like the fact that he did not call to break plans. I’m sure this is nothing. That it means nothing concerning Jakub. I think rather, that this nervousness is possibly a continuation of what I have always faced in the past with lovers I took seriously. That I am not happy in a relationship and find ways to fret and feel awful for no reason. I don’t know if I am mentally capable of being with someone now, if ever. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day for no other reason than I’ve just been blown off, which is especially absurd when one considers that I blew him off all weekend to hang out with a doting ex lover. I even traded phone numbers and emails with a good-looking young man at a party this weekend, regardless of Mike or Jakub’s feelings. Really, he is just living his life and I have some obscure sense of entitlement over his time because he has professed adoration of me. Writing all this makes me feel very silly and greedy.

Today, I suppose, is simply a day for self-loathing. I plan to be very drunk and in bed by 10pm tonight.

I feel like a child. Really, it feels much more clear now. Jakub has made me vulnerable in a way I have not felt in a while. The last time I went head first into someone’s sweetness it was Brandon’s, and he quickly revoked it for little to no reason that I could understand. I’m sure I just fear the same reaction from Jakub, which is entirely unfair to him. And also, I would really like to get laid soon.

I should not act as if I haven’t been the recipient of plenty of sweetness today, even if from varied sources. Most importantly, Zac stayed with me all day. He is not a particularly doting person and I feel as though any possible attraction to me is one of uncertainty; the kind of attraction that happens between close friends because of sexual imagination and not real attraction. He did a lot to keep me occupied today and I feel as though he was doing it to keep me from feeling too bad about Jakub. Every time things lulled- when a movie was over or after we ate, he had a new plan for what we were to do. After our first two movies he asked me to teach him how to make the potatoes and kale I’ve been cooking for him the last few times he has been here. I walked him though it step by step and he fed me. After that he took me to the thrift store not far from my apartment and we perused for a bit. I found a beautiful suit coat and matching skirt from the 50’s and put it on. I felt pretty. When I found Zac milling about the men’s shirts he smiled immediately before I could even ask if he liked it. He said something wry and rude but I could see in his face that he appreciated what he saw and he leant me the money to buy it. It is difficult to explain the happiness I felt for a moment when I saw him see me in my brilliant suit coat. It was certainly better than any compliment one could think of.

Also, another token of love today came from Brian. I was feeling very insecure after Jakub blew me off so I texted Brian looking for reassurance. He called me after a few texts and very patiently explained to me that he doesn’t think Jakub dislikes me, that rather he has himself run into how busy Jakub can be and that I really should not take it so personally. I had to let him go shortly but it was touching that he called to comfort me so readily.

Since I have the time right now I would like to recall something that happened with Jakub a few days ago that has been recurring in my mind since then. I was just lying on his bed, feeling stupid and nauseas from the night before. He came to lay with me, but brought with him a small green plastic box called a Buddha Machine. I’ve seen it on his shelf many times but never thought it was anything more than a nicely designed toy that he liked to look at. It is about three inches tall and two inches wide, and made of a uniformly olive green plastic. There are Japanese characters on the side and top and a round speaker in front that makes it look like a walkie talkie. Before he turned it on he described it to me. It is a little machine that plays nine different songs that are on a long perfect loop made to play “endlessly” or until the battery runs out. He then handed it to me and allowed me to listen to the nine different ambient sounds. He watched me as I slowly switched and absorbed that soft strange music he had given me to play with. One song was particularly soft so I put the Buddha Machine underneath the pillow. We placed our heads on top of the pillow and listened to the muffled softness together. He said “this is really nice,” and I agreed. We laid there for some time, just listening to the pillow make ghostly noises the way you listen to a seashell when you put it to your ear to hear the ocean. That moment has been living over and over again in my mind since it happened.

Tonight, just now, Nicole sat with me on the futon and showed me some of her old journals. She kept telling me how flattered she was that I was interested in them. It was astounding to me that she could be so modest. To me it feels like a natural education of someone’s self. Why would you possibly be disinterested in that? I do certainly adore her modesty. What is more baffling to me is why someone so wonderful would be interested in a romantic friendship with someone like me.