April 29, 2008

I’ve been desiring Jakub all day. I don’t know if he will call me tonight or not. Although I’m not exactly anxious, my insecurity has risen significantly recently. I have so many doubts about my worth in comparison to the people who spend time with me. Particularly Jakub. I can’t imagine why he doted on me. I have chosen to adopt the mentality I had when I was seeing Gary briefly last year. I am just going to assume each time I hear from him it will be the last time I hear from him and that any experience involving him after that is just a special delight. It is difficult to condition the mind to behave this way but beneficial to someone who is as romantic as I am. Jakub has an emotionally deadly combination of entertaining my attention with his sweetness, natural demeanor and sexuality all at once. I know myself well enough to know initially the longer he starves me of his attention, the more my pining will wax. I have been constantly fighting the urge to contact him with a barrage of compliments and affection. I don’t want to scare him off as I feel I may do with people from time to time. I’ve been masturbating constantly now that my sex drive has been fed and then starved for a few days. I feel sick to my stomach I want him so badly.

I just talked to Zac on the phone. He invited me to go see some music and experimental films with him tonight in the city. We are going to leave between 8:30 and 9. He asked me if Jakub had called me today and when I said no I could hear the sympathy in his voice. What’s worse than having feelings that he might not be interested in me any more is that it seems obvious to other people that I’m right in those suspicions.

Tonight I went with Zac to the city to meet his friends and see the experimental film he called me about earlier. We arrived in the city and went to Counter and had some drinks. His friends were kind but strange to me. There was a boy named Jesse he has been friends with almost ten years, and I found it very surprising that they were so close. He was very flamboyant and treated Zac like a helpless little brother/ ex lover. It made me appreciate Zac even more, which I thought not possible, to see that he had such a strange long-term friendship with this boy. I felt very pleased.

When we arrived at the screening I got a text from Tao that he and Chris Killen wanted to watch a movie with me. It sounded enticing because I haven’t seen Tao in a while and I have been excited to meet Chris. I told Zac that I was leaving them to go to Tao’s house and he slapped me a few times before he hugged me and I was on my way to Brooklyn.

Tao was playful with me all evening. I liked Chris very much as well. We watched a movie and then made videos on Chris’ camera until I was tired and left for home. I really enjoy flaunting my closeness with Tao in front of new people. I like our childishness and that he so blatantly indulges me in playing. It’s difficult to describe but I very much like when people watch us interact. Tao filmed me with Chris’ camera. It is sweet how much Tao takes pictures and films me.

I felt very adored tonight. Skipping from friend to friend today. My confidence came flooding back. Also, I had a few poems published today and received a doting email from Daniel Bailey about how much he liked one of the poems. It is 4am and I am in bed although I have no desire to go to sleep at this point.

Tonight I am definitely feeling more rational about Jakub. Not to say that I am thinking of him any less, but after some gentle prodding via text message he explained to me that he is busy entertaining some out of state co-worker whom is visiting and is very busy this week and that he missed me. Having the scenario spoken of made me feel calmer about my desperation to attain his attention. I also still feel good about what he is doing for his work. I have plans for the rest of the week and have absolutely no worries about nervousness at this point. I feel very comforted about the situation. All I needed was to hear it from him that I had not been forgotten and that Brian’s summation of the situation was indeed correct.