May 3, 2008

I talked to Jakub on the phone yesterday. He essentially broke up with me. I have not seen him in well over a week. He more or less told me by way of rambeling incoherently that he doesn’t have time for me. He seemed like he wanted to talk on the phone for longer but I felt a great pang of sadness and didn’t want to make small talk anymore. I said goodbye and hung up rather abrubtly. I was sitting with Zac on the steps to the KGB bar waiting for it to open for their reading. After that I felt horrible. But a good horrible. As sad as I am, feeling despair that I know will pass is better than feeling confused, anxious and hopeful for god knows how long. I cried quite a bit last night. There were a lot of people at the reading and it went well. I realized that that reading almost the same line up about one year ago is where I met both Tao and Zac. It felt very good to think about being a bit of an outsider then and this year to be sitting with them, making work with them and being comforted by them when I am sad. It put persepective how good moving to New York has been to me. Unfortunatly those relivations were all clouded over with another rejection.

Chris Killen. He is very sweet. I liked him very much. Last night we went for drinks at a dive bar called Cherry Tavern after everyone in the group disbanded. The previous night I had taken him and his two friends from England to Pete’s Candy Store and we drank and talked all night. At Cherry Tavern it was much the same except his friends were both tired and sick so we didn’t really stay that long. Chris and I got along very well. I like his absurd sense of humor and his curiosity. He is adorably modest as well. But not timid about talking very seriously about his book that is coming out in January or so. Being with him and his friends all evening took my mind off Jakub for some time. I laughed and smiled a lot, genuinely. Once, he even hugged me just because we both love Knut Hampson.

After they got in a cab to go back to the hostel, I began to walk to the train. Mid-walk I began weeping again. I feel like such an idiot. I’m ashamed I allowed myself to be so emotionally immersed in something so new and subsequently tenative. When I was on the train I texted Brian. It said “oh god. I cant stop crying.” He called me withing minutes. He can be so sweet. No one can comfort me like Brian. Not that he says anything particularly profound, but just hearing his voice reminds me of how he used to love and adore me and I can at least take refuge in what trace amounts of those emotions he has kept for me. I think part of my feelings for Jakub was he was serving as a sort of barrier between me and my endless romantic feelings for Brian. With a serious and kind lover it seemed as though I would not seek Brian’s love. Now I am back to being exposed to that when he comes here. Unrequited. Nothing can save me from Brian. And that is okay.

I woke up very late today and noticed that Jakub called me a little after 4am, just after I fell asleep. I think it is good that I didn’t answer. He was probably drunk and would have confused me further. I’ve been drinking wine in my pajamas, writing, listening to music and doting on Delores all day. Today is a blatent waste of a day and I am okay with that. I want to sulk heavily to get this out of my system.

I’ve been drinking all day. I am fucking drunk. Brynn bought pizza, I feel like if I hadnt of ate it I might be very sick right now. I abandoned my glass a while ago. It started to feel like an unessessary charade to pour the wine into a glass. I set my glass down and brought the bottle to the futon with me. I’ve been drunk texting Zac all day. He called me a few times while I was eating pizza. I just listened to his message which said “Hey why so blue boo? The world is not such a dark desolate place.” Right after I listened to his message he called me again and I answered. We chatted a bit. I felt mostly that he facilitated conversation by asking me questions. He said he would call me after his movie with Tao. He wants to come over. I warned him I may be drunk and passed out by then, which is seeming more and more likely.