April 19, 2008

I’ve been with Jakub nearly everyday lately. I don’t feel overwhelmed though. I feel as though I have known him for very long and this is incredibly natural behavior to indulge in. I really enjoy how much he does indeed indulge in puppy love. He really likes vocalizing his adoration of me. I can scarcely give him a compliment without it coming back to me but stronger and more beautiful.

He likes to shower me with things as well. Things are always coming at me. Nothing elaborate or over the top, just sweet little gestures to remind me of his presence and adoration. A necklace, some music he thinks I will enjoy, dinner, drinks all night, compliments that are so fast and lovely that I have run out of ingenuine ways to respond to them and now just smile and turn red at the sound of.

The other night, while he was Djing with some friends, he voiced to me some worry that he was not enough for me. He seems to think he can’t satisfy me. He spoke of “no pressure,” that he would simply like to continue to have me in his life. I feel the same for him. I don’t want to rush it, although it is tempting. When he is not around I become filled with a quiet little buzzing terror that he does not exist at all and I have invented him.

I went to the BK library today with Nicole. I can see why Tao prefers to study in libraries. It was quiet and easy to focus. I think when I work at home a problem is that I am too comfortable and become lazy.

After the library, we went to her work in Park Slope to pick up her check. I’ve never been to the restaurant she works at but I have heard many stories about it. It is french-morocan and very lush. The back room is basically a casaba with pillows and gold things and beautiful wood trimming. Everyone who works there is beautiful and we drank sangria for free at the bar. After that she remembered that her friend Britney was having a party that afternoon. We walked to her apartment, which I have not been to since that night we took too much coke and I fucked a boy in one of the bedrooms. On the way there we found a beautiful birdhouse and felt a little amorous. We talked about the nature of our relationship. She said that we were like temporary life partners. It was a beautiful way to phrase it. We go on dates and have a romantic love for each other, but it is without sex. Not altogether without sex, as I desire her and I feel that she may very well desire me but we haven’t had the impulse to act on it yet. Nicole is a very supportive and loving girlfriend of sorts.

When we arrived at Britney’s place she was not there. Nicole misread the text message she had got from her and we arrive far too early for a huge party. There was a group of boys smoking weed and getting ready for the evening. Since we were there, they invited us up for a beer. The smell of the stale weed in the air and the general disarray and the type of boys we were with filled me with dread and I became very quiet. My mind kept drifting to the boys I spent time with in catholic school with who used to get me fucked up on all sorts of drugs and take advantage of me. My heart was racing while Nicole casually talked to them and they smoked a blunt. I felt a little exposed and ugly. I wanted to leave and eventually Nicole picked up on that and took me away from there.

I’ve been thinking of Jakub all day.