I haven’t been taking my medication. For the most part I think it is going well. There is edginess, but it passes and everything is okay. Just now I took a pill for the first time in well over a week, not because of the edginess, but because Nicole and I have a date tonight and it entails smoking weed after dinner and wine. Nicole dates are something I look forward to all day.
I feel sleepy.
Last night I was irritable. I had wanted to see Jakub earlier in the day and he wasn’t free until 11pm. I need to be more frank with him about my dislike for staying up all night. So, I had a couple of drinks with Nicole on the couch and bitched about feeling impatient. When I left I felt riddled with second thoughts about Jakub and an unanswerable irritation towards the idea of being in love. Coupled with those feelings I felt a very tiny despair growing and when the train came I felt like running off and finding a small dark damp place to sit and listen to music and be alone.
By the time I was at Jaukub’s door and I heard his voice I was completely washed of those strange feelings I had on my way over. When he opened the door I felt happy and calm. The evening was a quiet one. We just watched movies and giggled, ate ice cream, kissed a lot, fooled around and went to bed in each other’s arms. I’m not sure what I was a mess about on the train. It was the same vague abstractions I have used in the past to talk myself out of being happy with someone.
I really admire what Jakub is doing with his life. He never went to college. He simply works very hard and is confident and passionate about his pursuits. I can see why his ex girlfriend (so he tells me) criticized him for working too much, as he often answers calls at awkward times and likes to check his email frequently. It does not bother me. I have always been very good at entertaining myself. It helps that he makes it clear when he knows he is crossing the line a little by being very apologetic. It’s not necessary for him to be this way, but it is sweet that he is showing me that he is aware of how I must be feeling. He is very thoughtful. He is kind of a patron of music. He runs the company on mostly his own money and the little things here and there he gets out of moodgadget (his label), but it seems to me that he gives most of it back to the artists whenever possible. He says he doesn’t want credit and I very much believe him. Most people who say things of that nature are being dishonest, but Jakub is genuinely modest and enthusiastic. Watching him deal with different musicians and designers ect is a little sexy as well. I have never met a man who has his shit together.
I am on my period, which is a little unfortunate, because of how desperately I want to fuck Jakub. Regardless, we got a little kinky last night and today. Last night I sucked his dick and he was adorably receptive of everything I wanted to do to him. He seemed grateful, which is so very sweet. He asked if he could “cum all over me.” Of course I agreed. He got on top of me and masturbated while looking me in the eyes with this sort of drowsy romantic face. I asked him to cum on my face. He smiled a wide smile and hesitated. Later he told me he was unsure if it was some sort of test he was about to fail. I felt bad when he told me that, because it made me think he must have been with at least one if not more, very manipulative women. The kind who thinks playing head games is an important way to get honesty from someone. Jakub cums a lot. It shoots very far and hard as well. This is very sexy. There is nothing worse than when you want someone to cum on you and you get this runny little drip. It makes me feel really beautiful the way he explodes all over me. After he came on my face he was immediately very worried and concerned and apologetic. He says he doesn’t just want to push my boundaries. I tried to calmly and patiently explain to him that my boundaries are far and that I will be vocal about crossing them.
I can tell he is curious about my sexuality and I am his. He calls me a fantasy. I’m not sure what that means to him, since it is one of those abstract subjective terms, but I’m willing to accept it as a lovely compliment and not dwell on what it means. He seems endlessly curious about who is dominant. I see traces in him that suggest he could go either way. He told me about a woman he was with who wanted extreme abuse and he wasn’t comfortable with that. But he holds my neck at my throat in a very dominant way when we just cuddle, and the way he keeps bringing up experiences and movies that deal with women being submissive in an extreme way suggest to me he has a latent interest in it that he is not really ready to breach. On the other side of it, he makes a lot of jokes and references to being punched or slapped by me. He was very drunk a few nights back and said in what seemed like sincerity that he wanted me to slap him hard; that he has always wanted to be slapped by someone who he trusted. I see a curiosity in him. I feel that he has always been too careful with maybe high maintenance women that did not care enough for him to allow him to explore this side of himself in a safe forgiving environment.