April 13, 2008

Last night I went to Trevor’s house for Darby’s birthday party. Previous to that, I had been at a reading with Dennis Smith. Dennis is very sweet and understanding of my fear of introducing myself to people at literary events, and is encouraging of me. I feel more comfortable with him at things of that nature than with anyone else.

On my way to Trevor’s house I passed an adorable boy on the street. I went in a store to buy beer. When I came out I passed him again. I realized it might be Brian’s friend Jakub, as I had seen photos of him on the internet and recognized his face vaguely. I did not have the courage to approach him at the time, but I texted Brian about it and he sent me Jakub’s phone number. While at the party I texted him “Did you just pass a girl in a yellow dress by the Morgan L stop?” and he texted back, “Yes, she was lovely.”

We texted off and on while I was at the party. Nicole came for a while. After a while Nicole left with a few guys who picked her up in a car. Trevor showed me his new camera and we chatted a bit about freelance life in New York. Soon I left to go to the party Jakub was Djing just a couple of blocks away. I got there and immediately hugged him. Then he needed to finish his set, so I sat in a corner and wrote in my notebook while some drunk guys annoyed me and I ignored them. He found me after his set and we talked all evening. At first about Brian, then music, then he asked me about what I do. It has been so long since I talked to a man about what I do with my life, especially after he has asked me to do so. His sister came, she was adorable. He looks very young but is 26 and smells very good. We lightly pressed against each other’s bodies all night. He kissed my hands, cheek and neck frequently. We agreed that the next day (today) he would come to my house to watch a movie. He was so adoring. He told me many times that he’s been trying to meet a girl like me. So full of flattery! At three in the morning he walked me to my train, then got on with me for one stop and held my hand the entire time. After that stop he got off and moved to the other side of the tracks to go home.

I talked to Jakub earlier today. He is coming over when he gets off from work at ten. I’ve had amorous feelings for him all day. I am looking forward to him being here. The variety of other lovers/conquests seems very uninteresting for the moment. I feel fixated. His hands were large and soft.

Tomorrow Ali and I are going to the Chelsea clinic to get tested. I had a panicked feeling today when I took a short walk to the store, when I imagined what course my life would take if they told me I had aids tomorrow.