April 9, 2008

I’ve always felt myself to be a bit masochistic. Particularly in sex. Not to an extreme degree, just if one were to imagine a spectrum, and masochism is on the right and sadism is on the left, I’m a tad bit further to the right from the center. That’s at least what I always thought was true.

I’ve been having fantasies of dominating people lately. Men and women, but particularly men. Someone recently said in jest that they would bathe my feet like a cat, and the image has stayed with me. Standing over a man, with one foot on his neck and the other in front of his mouth, in complete control. Also I’ve been obsessively thinking about biting to the point of drawing blood, and slapping faces, maybe assess. I want to inflict a soft sort of pain on someone, then comfort them in the wake of it. I want to pull someone’s hair and say awful things to them. Then I want to spoon them to sleep and gently rub their belly. I don’t feel proud of these fantasies, but I have to admit their existence and from time to time I go so far as to entertain them for a while. I don’t think I know of anyone I want to have relations with who could satisfy these desires other than Brian, but I do not foresee having sex with Brian when he gets here. It would not be a good decision. Also, he has a lover waiting for him when he gets here.

I wonder if I will ever not be plagued with anxiety from day to day. I think it is possible. There was a time in my life when I was plagued with the compulsion to lie everyday, and that has now entirely passed. I can’t remember the last time I was moved to lie in a random and abstract way like I used to.