April 25, 2008

I just talked to Zac German on the phone. He seems lonely lately. It is sweet that he thinks to call me. I feel incredibly comfortable just sitting around with Zac and talking. It’s a fluid natural friendship. He is one of very few writers whom I feel comfortable taking myself seriously as a writer with. What I mean to say is, when we talk about writing I don’t find it necessary to be modest and timid. I will be seeing him in a bit.

Last night Nicole and I talked about nymphomania for a bit. We talked about how when your sexual apatite is dormant for a while the cravings subside as well. She told me that it is a trait of nymphomania to feel intense cravings for sex even more so when satisfied. It came up because since I’ve been seeing Jakub and been having very fulfilling sex I have been masturbating daily and feel entitled to his sex whenever I am around him. Yesterday while we were both sick I felt an ache even after I convinced him to have sex with me by forcibly putting his dick in my mouth and making him hard then riding him. A while after that I wanted to have sex again but he had a headache so he was not interested. I couldn’t fathom why he couldn’t just get over it and fuck the living shit out of me. Being denied sex made me squirm and ache uncontrollably until I left. I’m sure that had a large part to do with why I was feeling so anxious in the evening.

Mike Young is in town tonight. He is staying the weekend. The other night I was at Tao’s house with Zac and they convinced me that it would only be right to tell him I was seeing someone else so he could choose to not come. I am rarely responsible like this with people. They sat with me by the computer while I explained the situation to him over gchat. It was sweet and brotherly. They interpreted what he was saying to me and teased me a bit. However, he had a cool head about it and said he would still come, but will be sleeping on the couch. I felt really good about the whole thing. I really wanted to tell Jakub that I did this for him, but Zac and Tao told me it would just make him paranoid and it was best to let it lie. I want to be good and honest for Jakub.

Later that evening, after we watched a movie I went to the bar to give Jakub a book Tao insisted I give to him. Tao decided to sign and give Jakub “You Are A Little Bit Happier Than I Am.” It was a fucking sweet gesture from Tao. I think Tao was trying to tell me in this passive Tao way that he approves of Jakub and likes seeing me happy. The exchange made me very happy even though Tao threw the book at my head and the corner hit my eye and hurt a little. When I got to the bar he was Djing at, Jakub was very drunk. He was also very amorous. I don’t know how much he remembers telling me. He told me he has been with 48 women. He didn’t want to know how many men I had been with but I told him anyways. I told him the wrong number because I couldn’t remember on the spot. I wanted to tell him the accurate number the next day, which is two more than I told him- 22. But I thought better of it. He also told me he was interested in choking me a little. His roommate apparently calls him sergeant slaughter because of how I scream bloody murder when I get fucked. I told him to put his hand over my mouth again, mostly because it turns me on and he seemed intrigued. That’s when he brought up choking me. I could not get him to talk about these things the next day in sobriety and I’m not sure if it is because he does not remember or if he is self-conscience about his desires. I think it is most likely the latter.

Also in town this weekend is Chris Killen, a writer from England I am interested in meeting. Blake Buttler will also be here this Saturday, which he just texted to me tonight. I am very much looking forward to the whole weekend with the boys. Also, a little space from Jakub would probably be a good idea after my anxiety yesterday.